It’s been a rough few days to be a young, devastatingly handsome, Irish man, to be honest. First, they cancelled the formula one. Then they cancelled the football. Now they’ve cancelled the golf, with the Masters being called off.

And now, from the Irish Times, comes the most devastating hammer blow of them all:

The story is as heart-rending as you might expect:

If you are living in a coronavirus-affected region, and thinking of planning a sex party: don’t. Short of putting all the orgy-goers in full hazmat suits – which, you imagine, would dampen the mood – it is impossible to prevent unknowingly spreading coronavirus….

…. While it would be relatively easy to spot someone at an orgy who is symptomatic, the problem is that many people may not know they have coronavirus for a while – and might feel sprightly enough to venture to a sex party. “It can take five to six days before clinical signs start,” Munir says.

Even if you don’t kiss the person you are having sex with, you may still contract coronavirus. “Contaminated hands are a major source of infection,” Munir says. “It’s not just sex itself – it’s any contact involved during the act….

Munir would advise anyone planning on throwing an orgy in an area with confirmed coronavirus cases to think twice. “If the government is closing down schools, the same principle should apply to sex parties,” he says. Because in the age of coronavirus, an orgy is probably a bad idea.”

Well I don’t know about you, dear reader, but that’s MY weekend ruined.

Presumably all the regularly scheduled orgies will have to be re-scheduled to a later date. A tragedy.

But thankfully, Ireland’s premier news, ahem, organ, is keeping the public well, ahem, abreast of the most important impacts of the Coronavirus.

For now, let’s all keep safe, and things will be back to normal in a few months. Whether that’s a good thing, or not.