It is 2025 so obviously, here I am talking about Molly Malone’s shiny brass breasts. Not only that but I am not even the first to do so, John unsurprisingly having got there before me. But then what else would you expect from the editor?
As reported by RTE, “Dublin City Council is to hire stewards to patrol the Molly Malone statue to try to discourage the practice of people ‘groping’ the sculpture.
The stewards will be introduced on a pilot basis in May and will have a similar role to those who were hired to supervise the Dublin Portal following issues with anti-social behaviour last year. The tradition of rubbing the famous fishmonger’s breast for luck is believed to have begun around 2012 and is thought to have been instigated by an imaginative tour guide. However, it has resulted in the statue becoming discoloured around the figure’s neckline.”
The report continues, “Dublin City Council Arts Officer Ray Yeates said the practice has caused “worry and discomfort” and he has concerns about the safety of people perching on the plinth to touch the statue. He added that this is not an April Fool’s Day joke.”
If they had left it like that I wouldn’t have any complaints. The protective covering around the breasts has been rubbed off and there is a cost to repainting it. I can understand why they want this to stop: cost.
However the weird grope patrol will be hired at a cost of ‘a couple of thousand Euro.’ That’s some expensive boob right there. I can relate to the whole breast damage fandango poor Molly has had to endure – having breastfed four children mine could also do with an upgrade but I doubt anyone is going to cover the cost of that ‘job.’ Anyway I digress. Where were we? Oh yes.
The Council didn’t stop at ‘we want to stop a public sculpture being damaged.’ No, Molly has been Metoo’ed so needs her own bodyguards and also there must be a ‘conversation.’
Dublin City Council Arts Officer Ray Yeates said the practice of her rubbing poor Molly’s tits has caused “worry and discomfort” and he has concerns about the safety of people perching on the plinth to touch the statue.
“Mr Yeates said: “For some people, this is just part of their tourist experience. For other people, it seems inappropriate, particularly where the statue is being touched and, for some people, that’s quite a serious issue. And to be honest, I’m inclined to agree. It’s the mimicking of behaviour which we wouldn’t approve of. So we’re going to try and do this, have a conversation with the great tourists that come around here throughout the summer, and see can we affect a change in behaviour?”
Dear Lord, will someone make it stop? Next up Mr Yates will be heading to a Debs ball near you – making sure there is enough room between the teenage couples for the Holy Spirit. Ireland 2025: where touching the boobs of a statue, an actual statue, is “quite a serious issue.” If only they policed the foreign rapists as closely as they do the Molly Malone’s gropers, things would be a lot better.
Of course you could go the other way – and just tell Molly to cover up. But hell will freeze over before that happens. We all know that dress is too low. What on earth Molly would be doing out in a market in freezing cold Dublin flogging her cockles and mussels in that outfit I do not know. Perhaps someone could design a shawl or a cover-up of some kind and it would all save us a lot of money.
What’s more my burka suggestion would cause outrage at the National Wimmin’s Council which I think you’d agree is a win. Why, it would be wall-to-wall media converge – Netflix Adolescence level of hysteria – if you suggested that. All over Joe Duffy for days. On the Late Late Show they’d have the usual grim line up of angry feminists. The Marys boring us all to death. My second rule of life is – if it annoys the Marys, do it. My first rule of life is, as you ask, if you go out with your tits out then expect to be groped.
In fact, given the sunny weather I think this debate has come at an opportune time for me to tell everyone – men and women – to please put your clothes back on. First of all, it is not that hot. That east wind means it is still only 15 degrees max down my way. And second can we please just not do the nearly naked thing the minute the sun comes out. It is not attractive, it is immodest and I’m told by some people it can be distracting for the men.
Men it seems are subject to constant titillation these days with the leggings and the low cut tops and the short skirts the women like to wear. The men are so distracted in fact they can barely do their job – which often involves putting a man on the moon – and it is simply unfair. Now I am not convinced of this Theory of the Abusive Nature of Perpetual Titillation that would have us believe if the women dressed more modestly the men would have cured cancer by now. But it is an interesting concept.
My reasons for telling you all to keep your clothes on this summer are simple: atheistically most revealing attire such as short skirts, skimpy tops (or underwear as my father used to say should I ever dared leave the house ‘like that’) and leggings are just very unattractive. They also leave you feeling a few degrees too cold.
If you think about the movies that are beautiful to watch, such as The Talented Mr Ripley, surely the most handsome movie on earth (despite the dark story line) apart from one or two scenes the actors are dressed modestly and impeccably. And trust me on this, the less you look like Jude Law and Gwenyth Paltrow the more clothes you need to wear. Please keep this in mind should we ever go about twenty degrees.