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If you want to know why the fertility rate is tanking in the west, this piece in the Times is an excellent place to start and indeed finish. “Don’t ask if I’m having babies: what not to say to a childless woman like me. I have always assumed a maternal longing would kick in — but it hasn’t. I’m fine with that, though plenty of others aren’t” writes a woman with two first names: Jennifer George.
I don’t know much about Ms George but I know this. She is a married woman of 40 who I assume makes decent money. Certainly enough money to sustain one child at least. But she doesn’t want to have a baby. Here are some quotes, “it’s not that I’ve ruled it out altogether, but if you asked me today to write a list of pros and cons of having a baby, the cons would outweigh the pros.”
If you are listing pros and cons in your head over having a baby, don’t have a baby. This is the problem. The fictional not – yet – born baby must somehow outweigh the very real and immediate cons of having said baby such as the immense sacrifice of time, money, energy, travel and career opportunities. The pros of the imaginary baby however are incalculable and inexplicable but you cannot experience them until the baby arrives.
It is in truth, impossible to describe to another human being how happy you are when you first hold your baby or feed it or teach it to read. It is difficult to explain the deep satisfaction you feel when that little baby grows up to be quite good at tennis or is kind to a younger sibling. If you start doing that, people accuse you of being smug.
On talking about her husband, who is a little bit more pro having a baby than her, the woman with two first names tells us: “Will his life be less fulfilled by not producing an heir? Possibly. But you know what would be a living nightmare for him? Having to deal with a sleep-deprived mother of a newborn that she wasn’t sure she wanted in the first place. We live a very lucky life full of love and friends and travel and dogs and ten godchildren, and unless we are 100 per cent certain, the risk could easily outweigh the reward, for both of us.”
No pressure there then on nonexistent baby. Here is the calculation: unless a nonexistent baby can prove to this woman by 100% that her life will be better with junior than not, it’s not a ‘risk’ worth taking. Listen, if you view having a baby as a risk to your wonderful life you are enjoying right now – then don’t have it. Otherwise the baby must prove to its mother that her life is better now than before baby arrived. This is an inhumane burden to put on a tiny infant who depends on its (resentful) mother for all of its needs and its life. If this is the calculation the childfree are going through, then absolutely do not bring a baby into that kind of dynamic.
At least Jennifer George is honest. She is not saying we can’t afford a baby or playing the climate change card or any of the other nonsense you get from the childfree, these days. She doesn’t want a baby because she isn’t willing to sacrifice her comfortable life as it is, which includes being able to take holidays in term time, having ‘lazy lie-ins and disposable income’ for the inconvenience a new baby would bring. That’s it. The cons of a child outweigh the pros. That’s fine. Just pay your child-free contribution fee and be on your way.
I tell you what though, if you are going to do the whole childfree fandango be more Jennifer George. Jennifer George and her husband have 10 godchildren and really connect with these children which is also very helpful for their parents.
“Those aforementioned ten godchildren bring us so much happiness and many of our weekends are spent with them. When they stay over, I’ll leap out of bed the second I hear little feet stomping down the stairs (often at 6am). I’ll patiently help piece together puzzles or get covered in sticky glitter or rewatch Moana for the fifth time that day. I’ll shower them with gifts and attention and it fills me with joy to do so.”
This is what you call making a contribution. Heck not even some parents do this. I approve of this helping to raise the next generation so much that I might even be willing to waive the whole child-free contribution fee just for her. The critical part is that she doesn’t just buy them gifts – she gives them her time and attention and sometimes sacrifices her lie-ins for them. I approve.
Jennifer George – childfree but honest.
You can read more from Laura on her substack.
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