The most annoying story of the year has dropped again, as it does a few days before every single Christmas. And yes, you may call me scrooge:
TAOISEACH SIMON HARRIS has assured the nation that Christmas will go ahead as planned, as Santa Claus will be allowed into Irish airspace on the night of 24 December.
The Children of Ireland will of course be delighted by the news that Father Christmas will be able to deliver toys as planned, thanks to the munificence and decency of the Irish Government – but there’s something about this story that drives me demented. It is, I think, because it’s a good example of the politician’s desire to insert themselves into everything.
First, the obvious point: Santa Claus does not need the permission of the Irish Government to enter Irish airspace, for several reasons: Magic Sleighs are not regulated, last time I checked, under any international aerospace treaty. It is doubtful that Saint Nick flies at a height sufficient to interfere with other air traffic, and thus his craft would not require regulation. This is another example of our politicians over-extending themselves beyond what their role demands, just to get headlines.
Second: The permission is irrelevant. Even were the Irish state to formally deny permission, this would be functionally the same as denying the Americans permission to enter our airspace with a b-52 stealth bomber. They may choose to respect our denial, or they may choose to ignore it. Either way, what is the Irish Government going to do – send a strongly worded letter? We have no air interceptors, no ground to air radar, and no mechanism for policing our airspace of any kind. Unless the Government intends to implore our British frenemies to shoot down Santa Claus, the denial of permission would be a nonsense.
Third, what we have here is an example of Government short-sightedness and inefficiency.
Even if we were to suppose that Santa Claus needed permission, or that it were possible to deny him permission, we are left with the fact that this is a needless annual farce. The Government, the Journal tells us, has signed the official agreement allowing Rudolf and the gang access to overflight rights for December 24th, just as it did last year. But why is an annual agreement needed at all? The country does not need to sign annual agreements with Lufthansa to give German aircraft access on specific dates – that’s all covered by existing international aerospace agreements. There is no reason at all why this country couldn’t simply conclude a bilateral treaty with the North Pole granting Santa permanent access to our airspace.
Except, I suppose, that politicians and civil servants would have to do some work.
Then there’s this: As an ex-child, pass me the sick bucket.
Addressing the children of Ireland directly, Harris said: “There is a part of this deal you have to keep. You’ve got to be really good for your mums and your dads between now and Christmas Eve.”
This isn’t actually part of the deal at all, kids. As you all by well now know, Santa Claus made his list and checked it twice quite some time ago. Nor is it remotely plausible that an international aerospace agreement would be made contingent on the behaviour of thousands of individual children. The Taoiseach, dear children, is flat out lying to you.
Now of course, one should be well-behaved for one’s parents, right ahead of Christmas. But not because the Taoiseach wrote it into some treaty. What he’s doing there, let me tell you, is trying to buy favour with your mums.
Then there’s this:
There had been concern that Christmas could be delayed this year due to key ports being damaged during Storm Darragh.
However, it is understood that Santa’s workshop, located in a remote location in the North Pole, has received all the parts needed to make a toy for every child in Ireland.
Aside from the shoddy sourcing on this claim (“it is understood”) there are multiple reasons to be skeptical of it. First, as every child should know, Holyhead Port is not part of the key supply chain for the North Pole, which relies much more on the key port of Murmansk in Northern Russia and the major Naval Base at Anchorage in Alaska. Second, the idea that Santa Claus’s toy production could be impacted by such a recent event is a classic example of applying Irish political thinking to a problem when nobody else would ever behave that way: Santa Claus produces all his toys during the summer, with major lede times ahead of Christmas. He’s a private sector entity, and much more efficient than Government.
Anyway, here’s the deal: Santa Claus does not need Simon Harris’s help or permission to bring you your present at Christmas. There are some things that politicians don’t need to involve themselves in.
Now, bah humbug.