Have you ever been out to dinner eating a lovely gourmet meal, and thought “This calzone is great, and my compliments to the chef, but there’s just one problem: not enough roaches.”
You were all excited, waiting for that delicious roachy aftertaste, with notes of mantis droppings. And when it never came, you felt seriously let down, and your whole evening was ruined. It’s a heartbreaking experience, and trust me, we’ve all been there.
I know personally I’ve handed out my fair share of three star reviews to restaurants over the years because they forgot my favourite topping: caterpillar thorax, just like grandma used to make. It’s a family recipe, after all.
Come on, guys – you’re actually telling me you forgot to include the tarantula penis? What kind of burger place are you running here?
But thankfully, we don’t have to deal with this culinary catastrophe for long. Soon we will all be able to tuck into the most delectable, mouthwatering wasp larvae money can buy – and save the climate in the process. Because as environmentalists are always telling us, meat is killing the planet, and we need alternatives.
You may not be able to have steak anymore, but as they say in France, here are five of the most magnifique bug-based food products coming soon to a plate near you.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “where has this been all my life?” After all, it’s the snack most of us have always dreamed of.
The edible insects coming to a supermarket near you 🦗https://t.co/y3aCAGgjuj
— BBC News (World) (@BBCWorld) September 23, 2021
And you have Israeli company Hargol FoodTech to thank for it, after they released small brown gummy sweets made from locusts last year in an effort to save the climate.
According to manufacturers, they naturally taste like mushrooms and some other food stuffs, but can be made to taste like strawberries if you use enough artificial flavouring.
To be honest, I would have been eating these yokes years ago if they weren’t so hard to catch with those pesky wings.
And of course it’s not like intentionally breeding swarms of migratory locusts which eat crops has the potential to go wrong or cause secondary problems. What would give you that idea?
I’ll tell you one thing – hungry customers will be like a real swarm of locusts the way they descend on any shop selling these bad boys.
Planning to cheat on your diet with a sneaky little treat? Well put down the pack of digestives – that stuff is gross and weird. You know you really want a cookie made of cicadas.
Cicadas – a loud species of humming, flying insect – have been made into food by climate activists in America in recent years, with people putting them in biscuits and even using them as pizza toppings. As Insider reports:
“Those who’ve tried eating cicadas have called them “the shrimp of the land.” Once you get past the crunchy exoskeleton, they have a juicy, buttery texture inside. While most compare the taste to shrimp or chicken, others say the bugs have a “green” flavor similar to tinned asparagus.”
…
One person’s infestation can be another’s free, eco-friendly lunch, according to Jessica Fanzo, a sustainable food expert at Johns Hopkins University.“There is the yuck factor, but people who are looking for alternative sources of animal protein shouldn’t rule out cicadas,” she told the Hopkins Hub.”
"One person's infestation can be another's free, eco-friendly lunch." @thisisinsider joins in on the gourmet cicada train with an article interviewing "Can Fixing Dinner Fix the Planet?" author Dr. @jessfanzo: https://t.co/Ymufz7A03T
— Hopkins Press (@JHUPress) June 2, 2021
Describing my lunch as an “infestation”? Well I don’t know about you, but my stomach is rumbling just reading that.
Now, if that name doesn’t get you salivating and scratching your neck like an addict waiting for his next fix, then I frankly don’t know what will.
As one Irish Times headline read: “Cockroach ‘milk’ could be the superfood of the future”
Well, colour me interested. The piece goes on:
“An international group of scientists has discovered that the “milk” produced by a species of cockroach has great nutritional value and could become a food supplement for human consumption.
…
It is produced as a liquid, but becomes a crystal inside the developing cockroach’s gut.
Cockroach “milk” crystals have four times the amount of energy as an equal amount of cow’s milk.”
Drinking milk crystals straight from a cockroach’s small intestine? Does life get any better than that?
Don’t think of it like you’re biting into what is essentially a grub. Think of it more like a kind of trail mix.
As reported by the Guardian:
You had me at “roasted in their own oils.” I’m smacking my lips right now just thinking about it.
You’ll be coming back for seconds after you have your first helping of these heaven-sent delights.
As reported by Irish farming outlet Agriland.ie last month:
“An Irish family-owned company has signed a distribution agreement with a Vietnamese manufacturing company, Cricket One, to provide cricket protein to the UK and European markets.
…
The move towards consuming insects as a source of protein in Europe and the UK comes from a need for change on an environment and climate level, according to Willows Ingredients.
Make sure you have a bib handy for this one!
You see – you don’t need a steak, or any other meat dish to be happy. You can have a perfectly adequate diet of caterpillar eyeballs and scorpion anus.
What more is there to say? You know you want some – bon appetite!