I won the lotto in life. I was the last generation to grow up without the internet. I was in UCD when I started getting these things called “e-mails.” I can still hear the dial – up tone on the very large computer we had at home. It was truly a golden age and today’s youth agree. On Tuesday it was reported in the UK that “almost half of young people would prefer a world without internet.” Not shocked.
When I was young we used to visit my paternal grandparents’ house every Sunday. They lived in Swords. It was a simple affair. There was some tea and biscuits and we sat around the kitchen table. My older brother and I were also expected to sit around the table and listen or add some conversation should it be appropriate.
And so my older brother and I dutifully sat around the table but we never – from memory – said very much. We just munched on a few biscuits and listened to the grownups talking or zoned out here and there. There was a TV in the house but we did not go and watch the TV. Nor were we on phones or iPads or PlayStations as these things had not yet been invented. Also that would have been considered rude.
My parents were in no way the authoritarian or overbearing kind. They just expected their children to sit with the adults around the kitchen table at Nana’s house and eat a biscuit. So that’s what we did. If we ended up zoning out that was fine too.
What you have to remember is that this occurred after mass. So my brother and I had already done at least 45 minutes to an hour of listening to the priest say mass. We sat through that too as that was what was expected. Mass and the biscuits at grannies house probably took up about 3 – 4 hours every Sunday. No one asked us how we were. No one asked my brother if he’d like 45 minutes of Call of Duty. I reckon we were bored to tears for at least 50% of the time but this was the 90s so that’s how we rolled.
Can you imagine asking any middle- class child to do this these days? I’m not sure even my children would be able for 3 – 4 hours of ‘suck it up time’ and I like to think I run a tight ship. My eldest son in particular is a tricky customer. The two girls in fairness sit at the table these days with their grandparents and talk a lot more than I did. They might have even made the cake being eaten, whipped the cream and they usually set out the cups and saucers etc.
I do believe those few hours on a Sunday have imbued in me my inner sense of self, steel and the ability to withstand hours of tedious time. The ability to zone out is very important and seriously underrated. This – by the way – can come in handy if you have a young child. Sorry but it’s true. I absolutely adore babies, especially my babies, but it can involve long hours of silence while they sleep. I usually read a book at this point – most others reach for their phones. The mothers and fathers being on their smartphones is bad enough. But when they hand it to their babies and toddlers it takes all of that inner steel I cultivated over the years, not to go over to them and take the stupid machine back out of their hands.
If parents knew what they were doing when they handed their under 5s these brain deadening machines they wouldn’t do it. They are destroying their child’s attention span, making it nearly impossible for them to be able to sit and play with something that doesn’t move or buzz or be instantly entertaining. Things such as Lego or blocks or the simple doll. Look, I’ve done it before, I’ve been there, but ultimately you are causing so much damage it’s not worth it.
What really bugs me, is how I see a child in a supermarket for instance on a screen. Why? Children are more than happy to be involved in such activities. You get them within reason to help. Is it easy? No. Did I once have to abandon a shopping trip incomplete because baby John would not stop running around Dunnes? Yes I did. But I trained him up – and he is pretty helpful right now as long as he gets his paw patrol yogurts.
It is the small things – the short journeys for instance that really count. Children can barely last a car journey without a phone or iPad these days (yes this includes my elder son.) These small journeys are necessary to gather one’s thoughts, look out the window and are important for a child to regulate their emotions. They must learn to just deal with the fact that there is not much going on. But if children have been on an iPad for every single car journey since they were 3 then do not expect them to be able to read. Or even be able to seduce anyone. I leave it to the reader to decide which is more important.
What can you do about it? Read to a child. Play with a child. If you are an uncle or aunt or grandparents offer to do something screen free with the younger child. You could even travel all around on public transport on top of the bus. What joy! Take them to the beach or the park or even a short shopping trip.
Having said all this though, what you cannot do is ‘set a child up to fail.’ In other words, ask too much from them. This is where you take your three year old to a fancy restaurant and expect them to sit for an hour. This is not going to happen. They are not developmentally ready for this – especially if they have not been trained up in their previous three years. Just take them to MacDonald’s perhaps for 30 mins and see how it goes. By the way – and this goes without saying – you cannot be on your phone either.
Looking back at my childhood, it was in every important aspect golden. Sure I didn’t have central heating and the microwave came very late in the day but I had my friends down the road and we made our own internet free fun. It doesn’t surprise me at all that the Guardian research said that nearly 70% of 16 – to 21-year-olds feel worse about themselves after spending time on social media. And that half (50%) would support a “digital curfew” that would restrict their access to certain apps and sites past 10pm, while 46% said they would rather be young in a world without the internet altogether. Also 68% said they felt the time they spent online was detrimental to their mental health. Who could possibly think spending hours on social media would improve your mood?
All of this means that once you have finished taking your grandchild to MacDonalds go back to the house, take the phone off their older sibling and throw it in the wheelie bin. Sure, you will get push-back. But they will thank you for it, I think.