There used to be a time when children were considered a great blessing – tiny paragons of innocence and naïve delight, capable of spreading joy to the morose and burdened adult world simply by their presence in a room. However, the past few decades have seen movement after movement dedicated to the eradication of children’s innocence, happiness, and ultimately the eradication of children themselves.
I bring this up is because of an online debate that went viral recently, kickstarted by a series of tweets posted by former BBC host Jan Leeming (84). Ms. Leeming was having lunch to celebrate the birthday of friend at a restaurant she described as “not inexpensive”. Her experience, according to her own account was “spoiled by a screaming child”. This child, she claims, was “far from pleasant”, a “nuisance”, and “a real menace”, because he was allowed to walk around the restaurant, “often screaming”. She then complained, “If you can afford to eat there, get a babysitter!”, and said that children should not be welcomed in pubs.
The 35-year-old mother of the three children who were present has since replied, claiming that her child had “barely cried at all”. She also offered the following observation: “Children don’t magically learn how to behave in social settings – they learn by being included in them.”
On the surface, this seems a trivial and slightly fussy row. However, it is typical of a disdain for children, for their presence, and for the inconvenience they sometimes cause, that seems to be taking root in society.
To be fair to the parties in the dispute, we should try to look at the issue from both sides. It should be acknowledged immediately that there are times and places that are unsuited to the presence of children. For example, we can all agree, I hope, that children do not belong in late-night venues whose primary business is to serve alcohol to intoxicated adults while music plays at a hearing-impairing level. Children should be tucked up in bed, not witnessing the more unwholesome side of adult interactions. We might also concede that there are certain types of restaurant – the sort that present themselves as gastronomic venues, serving 15 course tasting menus in an atmosphere of hushed reverence – where bringing your four-year-old is inappropriate. Whether Ms. Leeming’s restaurant falls into this category may, however, be doubted.
A second point in Ms. Leeming’s favour: there are undoubtedly cases where children are simply behaving badly in a social setting, and where their parents seem unconcerned or not bothered to deal with them. Most of us have had the experience of encountering this in some form or setting, and it can certainly be frustrating.
However, based on the story available to us, the situation the subject of this social media spat seems to be more nuanced than Ms. Leeming suggests. A key fact is that, as the mother of the allegedly disruptive child pointed out, the restaurant in question appeared to welcome children, as it offered a dedicated children’s menu. However expensive or inexpensive it may have been, it was not one of those places where children are forbidden. By Ms. Leeming’s own admission, the staff of the restaurant were playing with the child in question. And as noted above, his mother also claimed that he was not being nearly as disruptive as Ms. Leeming suggested. In addition, there was, apparently, another group celebrating a birthday at a nearby table, who had no cause to complain in public about any incident.
It seems likely that Ms. Leeming’s reaction to the scene was overblown. However, this kind of reaction is not uncommon now, and it is ultimately – I believe – fuelled by a culture that no longer appreciates or tolerates healthy and normal childhood.
The mother of the child at the centre of this row was onto something when she reminded us that children have to be included in society if they are to learn how to behave in society, and this may require from the rest of us a little patience with them (a vanishingly rare virtue in a world of instant gratification and doomscrolling). A normal (and healthy) toddler makes noise and something of a mess, and this is something we should tolerate. Unfortunately, there are many (some of whom can be seen in the replies to the tweets) who seem to agree with Ms. Leeming: children should not be allowed to walk around restaurants at all; if they are to be brought along, their parents should pay a babysitter to sit at the table with them and keep them still and quiet. For the vast majority of the population who cannot bring a babysitter with them wherever they go, unfortunately the more likely and much more common solution is for a screen to be placed in front of the offending child. I for one would be much more pleased to see a toddler wobbling around a restaurant and playing with the staff than to see one hypnotised by the flashing lights of their parent’s phone screen. If a family is trying to avoid this state-of-affairs, they probably deserve our support and praise, not our criticism.
We all know from experience what children are like: and yes, there are times when they are a great difficulty. They can be messy, loud, annoying, disruptive, and nagging. However, as hard as children can be to deal with at times, they should never be considered a nuisance, and certainly should not be labelled as such in public.
The irony of the attitude at the centre of this squabble lies in its own immaturity. Which is less becoming: for a toddler to wander about a restaurant being a toddler, or for a fully-grown woman to be so put off by said toddler that she feels absolutely compelled to complain about it in a public forum? Private frustration I can perhaps understand, but I cannot conceive that the child in the situation described could have been so disruptive that he and his family merited being openly scolded by a former BBC presenter on X. Any adult who feels the urge to complain in public about a meal being “spoiled” by a noisy child would do well to consider the maturity of his own response. So, to all those who view normal children doing normal children things as a nuisance, I suggest: grow up a little.
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Patrick Vincent writes from Dublin