When I heard that last Friday’s RTE Late Late Toy Show was going to be themed Home Alone, I thought I couldn’t possibly be hearing it correctly. RTE had managed to take the two things I hate most about Christmas and bring them together: namely the stupid Toy Show and the worst Christmas movie ever, Home Alone.
Just what exactly had I, Laura Perrins, done to deserve this? Had they done this on purpose? Were they actually trolling me in a personal capacity? Because when I am made World Empress, the first thing – the very first thing – I will be doing is grabbing the Toy Show, followed by Home Alone and shoving them down the memory hole never, ever to return again. Then I will take a tank of petrol, pour it over the memory hole and set it ablaze.
The Late Late Toy Show is an absolute abomination, and one that far too few people are willing enough to call an abomination.
First, it is on far too late. What kind of person schedules a show for children at 9:35pm for it to end at 11:55pm? What nonsense is this? If you have a son like mine, this means that if they stay up late you are absolutely guaranteed, guaranteed to have a cranky, angry, brat on your hands the next day. And no, it’s not funny. Children need their sleep, and no I don’t care if it is just one night in the year.
Also I resent that much like women’s football you are ordered to like this monstrosity by the mainstream media, and also by my sister-in-law. (Sorry SIL.) For instance, the headline for the promo on the Irish Times is: Late Late Toy Show 2024: Everything you need to know about the ‘TV night of the year’.
No. The Toy Show is not the TV night of the year. The TV night of the year was when Trump took the 2024 presidential election with ease. That was the TV night of the year.
But I am willing to accept that the premier of some much-anticipated film of the year might have been the ‘TV night of the year.’ In fact, pretty much any night other than the wretched Toy Show night, should be the TV night of the year. But it is the one thing that you must like. And if you don’t like it, there is something wrong with you. Sorry, I don’t like the Toy Show.
I don’t see why I would plonk my children down late at night in front of the TV for them to watch hours of toy promotions. Why the heck would I do that? As someone said, in Apocalypse Now, ‘the horror.’
And then there is Home Alone. Sweet suffering Santa Claus, save me from this film about a family who leaves their child at home on Christmas (this is how negligent they are) and said child is not only delighted about it but then goes on to be burglarised. In an order to survive Kevin then attempts to murder in cold blood said burglars via the throwing of an iron, paint and other various deadly weapons at them. Gosh, I feel so warm and fluffy after seeing that. And no, the wonderful theme song, Somewhere In my Memory does not make up for this psychological horror show of a movie.
Now for those of you who are getting angry right now, like outraged that I have dared to go after the rubbish Toy Show and that I have also burst your Christmas bubble by pointing out that Kevin in Home Alone is a very dangerous individual who should be detained in a mental institution, I am not alone in thinking this. There are clips all over YouTube pointing out what a psycho Kevin is.
So, in this clip for instance, Kevin has gone around the house and realised he is Home Alone. He is absolutely delighted that his entire family has disappeared. He doesn’t seem to worry that maybe they were murdered, butchered and dumped in a river. Or captured by pirates. Or sold on eBay. He just doesn’t care at all.
However, I will say this. Kevin has good reason for being happy that his family has dropped off the face of the earth. And that is because Kevin, all 8 years of him, suffers serious and significant emotional abuse from pretty much every member of his family, including his own mother.
At the start of the movie Kevin is called names (an idiot, a jerk, and a disease), he is humiliated, fobbed off, insulted, belittled, his dinner is eaten by his cousin, and then when he finally explodes in rage is shamed by his entire family until his mother completes this savage series of emotional abuse by ostracising him by sending him to his room. And a Merry Fucking Christmas to you too.
If people knew how damaging this kind of emotional abuse is when directed at anyone let alone a child, you wouldn’t watch this movie.
In fact, the entire family is just awful. They are some of the unkindest, mean, odious group of people ever to grace our screens. They don’t treat any of their family members with an ounce of decency or respect. It is a terrible movie.
So sure, Kevin ends up being an extremely damaged individual with murderous intent towards two other criminals. Do you know what kind of person Kevin would have turned out to be should his family have treated him in this way for his entire childhood? Just like the two criminals he attempts to maim and kill. Or a drug addict or an alcoholic. Anything really, anything to make the pain of his horrifying childhood go away.
So, there we have it. If you like your Christmas movies to depict relentless bullying of an 8- year -old child, then put on Home Alone. And I admit my children for some reason have watched it more times than I’d like to admit.
If, however, you want to watch something that might leave a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart then you could start with the animated version of A Christmas Carol starring Jim Carey. I really enjoyed that one. It stays very close to Dickens’ classic, although there are some scenes which are scary for younger viewers. But then, it is a ghost story. A miser finds his way home. What’s not to like?
I also love Elf, a beautiful and funny story of human connection. Elf’s adopted father is nothing but loving and kind to his adopted son. And when Elf arrives in New York, he along with his half-brother convinces his workaholic father that there are more important things in life than the next work project. Honestly, at that final scene when the crowd keeps singing, I think I cry every time.
I also adore watching the animated version of The Grinch with the children. I think the animation is amazing and I love the music. This film stars a little girl, who is daughter to a single mother, and she really appreciates everything her mother does for her. The Grinch experiences love and kindness from people leading him to understand the importance of the human family. He accepts that no Grinch is an island.
Finally, I also really enjoy the Christmas episode of Boss Baby. This is so funny and clever that it is really for adults not children. Boss Baby ends up at the North Pole, encourages the elves to go on strike, attempts to streamline a few things, but it all ends well. A very, very clever take on the madness of Father Christmas and his Elves.